I'm starting to write this at about 2:40 a.m. On Sunday May 10, 2009.
This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.
I want to go to bed but I am having a very hard time right now. I tried to lie down and go to sleep but my head started flooding with memories and thoughts of Mom were killing me.
I had to get up.
I was playing a couple of games on my computer to try and take my mind somewhere else but I am so friggin sad right now it's almost unbearable.
So I'm writing about it.
The "funny" thing is that I have known this day was coming for months and didn't know how I would deal with it.
Now I know. Not very well.
I was okay a couple of days ago though.
As bizarre as it sounds my mind had forgotten what this day would mean. A friend asked me if I was going to be okay this weekend and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was playing "Combat Arms" online on my computer and had to stop a few times to clear my eyes.
I'm better now and am going to try and go to bed again.
I'm so awfully tired.
What I've been told us that the first Mother's Day or any occasion without Mom and Hayley are going to be the hardest. It should get easier from here.
Here is a story.
In 1985 I had just split up with a girl who was very special to me. It was not an easy break up for either of us but we knew it was the right thing to do.
I won't get into that right now.
Mom and I went to a restaurant in Fairview Mall in North York for dinner one night.
I told mom that the last time I had been in that place was when I was with Jennifer.
Mom knew that it was very painful to me.
She said "well the next time you come in here you can think that the last time you were here was with me."
That helped a lot.
So the goal is to make it through the first one. Hopefully each time it comes around the sadness won't be quite as strong.
My real goal is to go bed and sleep. It's almost 3:00 now.
In a few hours there are 2 monkey boys who are going to want to prepare a breakfast in bed. I should be there to watch over the process.
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